Show Yourself
Regarding Me
Let’s get right to why you’re here. I am Amelia Tate, and I’m a trans woman. I prefer Amy, although Amelia, A.C., and even Ames is A-OK. Please do not use my previous name. My pronouns are she/her. If you mess up from time to time, intent matters more than accuracy, particularly for right now.
I thought of many different ways to begin this, and tried to find the perfect words that would sum everything up so well. The problem with believing in the power of language is that you can trick yourself into believing there is one perfect speech, or one perfect essay, or one perfect sentence that will win the argument, make the sale, or save the day. The truth is that words are fallible, they are prone to misunderstanding, they are human. So the only way forward is to just say what I mean.
This is something that’s been a part of me as long as I’ve known, but I’ve only had the language to even begin to understand it for 18 years or so. For most of that time it’s been a struggle to clarify if what I suspected was true, and once I did that (about 12 years ago) to actually make the leap of faith. Do I regret taking so long to transition? Sometimes, but there’s plenty to argue that I really wasn’t ready until this year. There certainly would be advantages to transitioning when you are 30, or 20, or 14, but at each of those stages, I didn’t have the language and understanding, the resources, or the situation to effectively transition. While I may still have done it and thrived (this is by far the best decision I’ve ever made, and I’m only getting started), I may have also caused me more pain and misery than I was ready to handle.
My life before I started my transition wasn’t necessarily horrible. I had a lot of fun, and happy memories, and often I could sort of convince myself that this was enough. However, I could never be my full self. So much of my true self was kept hidden behind a mask as I performed a role. It prevented me from connecting as well with people as I would have liked, not only friends, or co-workers, but family as well. Trust is often built on the idea that you let yourself be vulnerable with other people. Thus, as I had to conceal so much of myself, vulnerability was a threat of revealing that part of me. It was easier to just not take that chance, or to just not make an effort. It didn’t get me anywhere, but it didn’t really cost me much either. It wasn’t like I completely shut myself off, I would let enough through to “just get by”. But in most cases, moving forward beyond “just getting by” was impossible.
As I said above, I wish I had the perfect words to explain what it is to be trans to a cisgender* person. There is no way I can speak for us all, but can speak for myself. The best I’ve got is the morning visit to the mirror. When you get up in the morning, you most likely will go into the bathroom. At some point in the visit, you look at yourself in the mirror. If you are cisgender, you see yourself, as well as your constiuent parts and whatever you may need to address as you begin the day. For me, at least the me before I began my transition, I see my physical features, but I don’t necessarily see myself in the mirror. Whatever I see doesn’t match with some elemental concept of myself. It is disorienting, it is stressful, and can even be painful. To cope with the dysphoria, I disassociate myself. I look to make sure my hair is brushed, or I don’t have anything in my teeth, or that I don’t miss a spot while shaving, but I don’t look at myself as a whole. I wasn’t always aware I was doing this, until I came out to myself.
Since I came out, the experience has changed. Ever since, I see myself in the mirror, not just a collection of parts. Sure, my face may have a despised beard on it, or my nose is too big, or the bags under my eyes are giant, but those are my features. They are the features of a woman, because I’m a woman. Dysphoria can still crop up, as some days are better than others, but it’s easier to push back and the urge to disassociate is not as fierce or as successful.
You may have a lot of questions, some of which I’ve not even come close to answering. To answer them all in this space would be way too long, but fortunately this isn’t the last time I’ll be talking about myself and my transness. If you subscribe to this newsletter, my writing will be delivered to your email inbox every time I write. You can also come back here to read updates as I write them. I’m also on Twitter and Instagram if you want to follow me there. For you with my email address, it still works, let me know and I’ll hook you up with my new personal address. Those places are a good way to stay in touch with me and to ask any questions (as long as they are supportive and in good faith). TERFs, Nazis and transphobes need not apply.
This has been a great decision, in large part because the people who I’ve came out to so far have been very supportive. I admit it can be a surreal situation, it’s often surreal to me and I’m the one going through it. I’m happy, the happiest I’ve ever been. If you know me, you know I’m not exactly a dainty wisp of a person, and while it certainly causes some inconvenience to deal with*** I still am so much happier.
Earlier I mentioned vulnerability. Every time I come out to a new person, or to many people at once (like right now) I am being vulnerable, almost painfully so. Outside of a few members of my family I’ve not shared any pictures of myself. My new Instagram and twitter accounts have not had pictures of either. That ends today. Is this a perfect photo? No, but I don’t expect it to be. It’s a photo of me as I am now****, and it will be different than my photo a week, a month, a year, ten years from now. It’s who I am, and I’m not retreating from that.
Amy Carter Tate
Naperville, IL
* Cisgender refers to people whose gender identity matches their sex assigned at birth.
** Epiphanies do happen, I had one, but that’s a moment of clarity about an existing fact of our trans identity, not a decision to be trans.
*** Peggy Hill knows what I’m talking about, re: shoe size
**** Technically two days ago, but close enough